"Thanks and thanks again to Him who offers to the man whom the sorrows of life have assaulted and left naked–offers to him the fig leaf of the Word with which he can cover his wretchedness." -Søren Kierkegaard

Good Ideas From A Closet Genius

Posted in Day-To-Day by matt on Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Little did you know that I’m a closet genius.

When I was 2 years old our cat climbed into an old truck engine and got diced up. Dad turned the ignition, there was a horrible squeal, and the leftovers hobbled off into the woods.

It lived, though, and I salvaged its tail a few weeks later in a ditch near our house.

Now, a normal person would have thought, “Sick! A fuzzy amorphous thing that shouldn’t be touched by any living thing!”

But I was all like, “This must be Lovey’s (our cat’s name) tail! I’ll put it back on!”

So, in true closet-genius form, I proceeded to do just that. I got things set up in our living room, and went to ask my Mom if she’d like to be my lab assistant (just to make her feel good, ya know).

She wasn’t onboard.

She screamed something about “GET THAT THING OFF MY CARPET!” or something. I wasn’t listening.

I coulda fixed the cat with a little help from her, but she obviously wasn’t quite a closet genius.

*sigh* – what can ya do?

Or (just in case that didn’t convince you) in the 4th grade I attached a toothbrush to a toothpaste tube that allowed the paste to flow up through the brush’s stem and directly into the bristles, so, instead of having to – well, it’s complicated and I don’t expect you to understand, but you get the idea: closet genius.

But marrying Cayla was probably the best idea I’ve ever had.

I’m sure some of you girls just made that weird “awwww” sound in the back of your throats that only girls can make, but I’m not being sentimental – totally serious here.

Let me give you a practical example. Compare the picture of me about 14 months ago (left) with the picture of me taken the other day (right):


(B) Me at 202 lbs.

(A) Me at 176 lbs.

Apart from the awkward crotch-bulge, observe photo (A) closely.

I look terrible.

I’m so skinny that my shorts are collapsing in on me and my chest is caving in – I’m a human black hole! Cayla calls this strange person ‘refugee Matt’. I could’ve shaved my head and been Smeagol for Halloween.

Like so many Americans, I just couldn’t seem to keep or gain weight, which was bewildering considering how many tiny bowls of white rice and noodles I ate each day.

And I just…forgot to eat some days. But I’m a closet genius, so I’m sure I was doing something much more important than providing my body with sustenance.

But now I’m on the ‘Cayla Plan’ and I’ve gained 26 lbs! Now I can climb the steps to the sky train without almost passing out, and I don’t even get faint when walking in the sun – it’s great!

And I don’t forget to eat anymore, since she’s there to cram me full of all kinds of vitamins, food and nasty fish-oil gunk.

I’m sure by now you understand that I truly am a closet genius, so I won’t waste anymore time providing examples. I mean, just take one more look at the pictures and do the math.

(Picture A) + (the Cayla Plan) = (Picture B)

Best idea I ever had.

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2 Responses

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  1. Aunt LeeAnn said, on Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 10:57 am

    John and I just love this posting. Hope he doesn’t go hunt down a dog tail or rabbit tail!

  2. aiyanmernerd said, on Tuesday, January 19, 2010 at 1:08 pm

    The story about the cat parts made me literally laugh out loud as I read this at 8am.

    Also, I didn’t realize any Americans struggled with putting on weight.

    Also, props to Cayla for fattening you up, although I think it would’ve been awesome to see you as Smeagol for Halloween.

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