"Thanks and thanks again to Him who offers to the man whom the sorrows of life have assaulted and left naked–offers to him the fig leaf of the Word with which he can cover his wretchedness." -Søren Kierkegaard

Infomercial #411

Posted in Theological by matt on Thursday, May 7, 2009

“Sarcasm is a weapon of the inept.”

-Jess’s grandmother


Ladies and gentlemen, as it stands there are now centuries of proof against the supposedly “flawless” systems known as Calvinism and Arminianism.

Men and women – no doubt with good intentions – proposed two “seamless” methods of biblical exposition that have managed to fail, confuse, and divide Christians rather than unite them. Countless systems have since been created and have added layers of confusion to an already confused public…but on this glorious day a new – and slightly more airtight – system has been created…by ME!

CALVININIANISM! (over-simplified acronym coming soon)

Behold! A system to end all theological systems! One has only to apply these simple tenets to any Scripture and they will be able to comprehend the Bible with comfort and ease.

Having a hard time with your quiet time? Tired of referencing  those expensive commentaries? Well don’t be troubled!

No longer do people have to diligently search the Scriptures or labor over those pesky, paradoxical passages. Just purchase your own copy of my book, CALVININIANISM!, today and I can assure you that this “super-system”, if you will, will revolutionize the way you read the Bible. In fact, it will make Christianity as easy as reading the morning paper!

And, on top of all that, this book is free! That’s right, free! Just pledge to put your faith in my system and to love my system with your heart, mind, soul, and strength and I’ll practically give you a copy! Order now!

**This is a monologue I played out one time in my head. I suppose I could explain that, at the time, I had walked a long way in the Bangkok sun and was particularly annoyed at certain claims I read concerning systematic theology, but it really wouldn’t change the fact that I’m weird. I mean, creating a fictitious infomercial satirizing man-made theological systems and then punching them into a text message to yourself isn’t exactly normal, but I’m posting it anyway. Booya**

2 Responses

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  1. Davis said, on Thursday, May 7, 2009 at 10:03 am

    At last, true one-ness is achieved!

  2. Ian said, on Thursday, May 7, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    This sounds like something I would say/think. Mainly because it’s so sarcastic. Which is apparently because I am inept. :D

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